Sunday, November 29, 2009

By trying not to hurt both of you, I ended up hurting myself.

Managed to fall asleep around 4? Or was it 5 in the morning? Judging by how it looks, today is still ain't getting any better. The sleep was filled with nightmares & these days, I'll always ended up sleeping with the lights open. The house is starting to feel like a dark room to me. It had been about a year since I have decided to move back to Cheras to my parents but issues that had always been there is still there & its just getting worst. To put it in general/lightly, maybe its call the infamous-generation-gap but the way me & my parents communicating are getting worst. Its going two different way now, totally the opposite direction. I always remind myself not to be ungrateful, not to be unsatisfied because there is a lot of people out there doing much worst then me but then, do they really know what I really wanted?

I believe in them & I know whatever they did or they planned was all for my good but had they ever tried to understand my needs & wants or stand in my place & think as me for even a little moment? Their mindset is always on the idea of them being more experienced than me, them knowing what is good & bad since I'm too young to think wisely like they do. I admit I'm still just a young toodle, toodling my way in the society but I'm born with a head-strong-personality & crave for much independence. I love to stand on my own & fall on my own & learn from my mistakes. I'm never a person who sit & listen & learn from stories. At the same time, the society had changed for the past 20 years & still will change & there's thing that they must at least try to understand. My family had gone through worst time, dad being really broke & bankrupt & whatever & his childhood wasn't a material-filled-one hence he ended up working hard providing us with almost everything, including studies. I understand the study part but what about others? I just want a little room where I can grow on my own instead of them creating a shaped-box and putting me inside, making me grow according to how they want me to be.

I love them a lot & doesn't have the heart to bring myself to say things I'm thinking because it will hurt them deeply but at the same time, I'm hurting myself. I'm sorry because I can never be the daughter you want me to be. I tried my best to be the daughter you want but it just hurts me deeper & deeper & I'm getting emotionally unstable these days. By trying hard not to hurt you both, I ended up hurting myself.

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