So many things had happened in a short few months & its time for me to truly move on to another stage of life, to make decisions & put it in actions instead of wasting time here & there over meaningless thing. Hoping to start afresh people. This blog will still stay but starting from now, this blog will only serve as a sweet memory for myself, to remind me of who I'm back then.
These days, I find it hard to go all into hardcore partying&drinking. Maybe its the crowd, maybe its the music, maybe its the club. Sometimes its good, sometimes its just norm. Couldn't find the excitement & the right mood for it like how I did last time. When I'm really troubled these days, I tend to buy a bottle of wine, light up some candles, put on some really soft music, burn some aroma oil & spend my night in the balcony alone, thinking, star-gazing, having a moment to myself..
Sometimes its red..Sometimes its white..
But of course, after a long blissful night, the trouble still await the following morning. Problems don't just go away by themselve, that's something I know. It needs to be faced, treated & solved. I'm still trying to find the right solution for this time. I'm tired of the old-way-apologizing-then-ignore-the-problem-because-everything-is-back2normal. Its just a really bad timing for this to happen, since it collide with other problems. And the worst part, exam is just round the corner & I find it so hard to study with the messed up mind of mine =(
Mom's coming back tomorrow & its only going to get uglier. Brace for it =(
[Day 5: Spent the whole morning & noon sulking over my family problem. I heard the conversation & heard the change of plans again from my brother. I wonder what's really on his mind. I wonder how much he changed. I just miss the old him in a way but people do grow up & move on to different stages & their priorities changes too. Manage to spend the evening going over two topic. Its only when I'm back alone, you came into my mind. Would it be very wrong if I'm missing you? I guess not right. I still regret sending you the message the other day. Hoping you will not misunderstand. Its gonna be a 60% for the day]
There is tons of things out there that have the power to bring me down, but when it comes to family, they are the ultimate one that can bring me not down, but makes me go all crazy & haywire. The pain is comes from deep within, the problems can stress me out 24/7, drives my mind crazy, making me feels like I'm living on the verge of breaking down every single second.
When it comes to me & my parents, love can really exist between me & them. Don't get me wrong, I love them to the max, they give life to me, they shower me with all their love & tried their best to give the best damn life could me. But then, there's almost NO communication & understanding between me & them. And yet, love still exist. I tried all the ways, talking to them, arguing with them, standing strong on my point, showing it to them, all kind of ways I can think of, but till now, none prove to be success. And one more thing, the trust is no longer there. They said I betrayed their trust & yet, they never ever tried to understand for once why I did the stuff I did at times. I admit I had my faults back then, I fell & learned from my lessons but I truly believe that it never hurts to let me take a small step of my own once in awhile instead of locking me up. There's so much more & it hurts only not them but me too....
Dad, mom, both of you are the few person I love the most in the world but if only we could tried to communicate & understand, each taking a step back instead of the way it is now.. It would only be so much better =(
Anyway had a new hair cut again few weeks past but since I didn't blog on my blog for like so long, I guess its good to upload a few new pictures of mine.. Am getting used to this hairstyle & it makes me feels like I'm 15 again.. That's what my friends say anyway.. There's more description to it.. Mushroom.. Tweety bird.. Maruko Chan.. Take your pick =)
Taken before Nikki's Wedding dinner..On the way to fetch Jacklyn for massage session with the sister & Doreen =)
[Day 4: Day 2 went really well until after 4play @ Zouk, my mind was filled up by you & only you. I guess that's what happened when I force myself not to think of you for the whole day. Just when my self-control went down a lil' you came into full force in my mind & I ended up sending the "IMY" message to you. Oh God, I hope you wouldn't hate me for doing it. I just, put it that way, my feelings got a better hold of me. Day 3 was pretty normal until my dad decided to start a cold war with me. The infamous Cold War is still going on.. It makes me feels constantly down. If I'm to give myself an average rating on my emotional performance for these 3 days? It got to be 0%.]
So many questions on my mind right now yet so little answers. Having long talks with friends, friends who really care about me helps so much but at the same time, I spend more time alone, searching & thinking. Maybe I just need some room for myself, to keep myself sane. Its time for me to stop walking down the path of illusion & walk to the path of thorns. It hurts me but its the right path & maybe there will be something for me at the end of the path. Its time to answer unanswered questions. Somethings that are meant to be done had to be done. No use escaping & blinding myself from a curtain I made & drawn around myself. Its time for changes to be made before its too late. Doesn't want to find myself standing in hell before its really too late. I don't believe in the saying that "Nothing's too late" because nobody knows what will happen the next minute. Its time to grow up & move on to another stage of life, leaving unnecessary things behind & truly cherishing what's really important to me.
p.s: Saw one of the pictures token in 4play the other night when I headed to Zouk. Loving the new blue dress =P Will upload it once Jacklyn tagged me with other pictures! Can't wait!
[Day 1: Today was pretty good. Manage to spend lots of time with this really good book Ian recommend to me, he knows what's best for me & I really appreciate him. Other time was spend talking to Andy, Kelly & Jeanie. Thanks for hearing me through & offering me piece of advice. I'll think about it. In a way, I'm proud of myself emotionally today, was doing pretty good despite what happened in the morning with my dad. I'm sorry dad. Giving myself a 70% because there's still moments here & there when I think of you.]
Its time for me to give up foolish dreams & pursuit something simpler, something achievable. So many things had happened in this short month but what had passed is already the past. Its time to focus on present & work harder for a better future. Praying for a good night of sleep, free from nightmares, free from what is troubling me.
[Day 0 - It was supposed to be day 3, but the promise I made to myself is broken. Maybe promises are meant to be broken, I didn't broke it myself, it just happened, all because of A & E. So starting from today, its day 0. Wasn't doing so well today, I saw the three of them in the car & I know it still bothers me. Maybe I'm just not meant to be part of this whole happy family thing. I wonder what friend really means. Then there was the incident in Empire Gallery. I know what's on his mind, its amazing at times how I know what he is thinking. Definitely not a good thing. I give myself 0%]
There's too many thoughts running through my mind these days. One minute, its this, next minute, its that. I'm all out of words, at the same time, too much stuffs to talk about. I guess its time to take a break from my blog till I get everything settled down. From family to studies to friendship to relationship to my future, its time for me to pile the pillows up & think all night *oh well, this 'night' might takes like days, weeks or even months* but till then, I'm definitely taking a break from everything and think what I want to do with my life, what I want from it & put it into actions.
Before I leave, I just want to wish my beloved daddy loves a very very Happy Birthday. At this time of life, I wish him nothing but happiness, peace & health. To my beloved brother & sister in law, congratulations of baby Cally's full moon =) I love both of you & my niece too. If all the love I have can make everything alright for the family, for my parents & the three of you, I'm giving you people all my love. I love you.
Headed to the cinemas for Iron Man II last night despise all the assignments & stress! Guess it's a much much needed break. Was conflicting over Ip Man II or Iron Man II but ended up in Iron Man II which I can definitely says, thumbs up people =P No regrets choosing it over Ip Man II & I'm sure all my friends agree too! It lasted for about 2 hours then it was never boring throughout the whole movie & I truly enjoy it.. Go & watch it people =P
Hilarious, nice effects, rawrsome storyline.. What more do you ask for eh =P?The part where he ended up chilling with donuts on a big donut on top of a donut house.. Lol!
[I knew what I did today was definitely the wrong move but what was done can't be undid. And in a way, I really feel way much better after telling you everything. I'm just tired of hiding everything inside me, having to act in front of you & the others. I know the answer very well, no worries because from the very beginning, I have know the answer all along. When I say its i m p o s s i b l e, it is i m p o s s i b l e. It was just my own foolish act to fall for you, my friend. Till then, please do take care of yourself!]
Sometimes I can't help but wonder where life will takes me to in the end.. Nope, I'm not talking about death, but what kind of ending will I have? Career, relationship, friendship, etc. I've once fallen down the emo-spell & is now emo-ing to no ends all the time, anywhere, anytime. A reason for it? Oh well, I got a hundred & one reasons for it.. None of it really matters though.. I'm still lost, confused with myself. My heart & mind tells me different things, yearns to act differently & the physical me is just stuck in between them both.. It's once again mission impossible for me & there's nothing that I can do.. I had been thinking for many night of "What-ifs?" but I guess it doesn't apply in this situation this time.. Back2reports! Awhhh!
[My self-confidence is in the lowest of the lowest, my mind filled with nothing but all the negative thoughts, everything just seems so bleak.. If only its there's a teeny weeny chance for a change.. Do I still believe in miracle though? I don't think so.. But do miracle really exist in the world? Or like fairytale, its just another lie?]
Last week was a hectic week of assignments, reports & illness, which is definitely not doing any good to my stress-level which is on the verge of overflowing & breaking. Weekend was spend in Melaka for Andy's 21st birthday which was practically a night where each & every of us are trying to get others pissed-drunk @ Libra, Jonker Walk. Day time is about food, food & oh well, food. Went home on Sunday with the emoness hitting to the top point hence I slept my noon away, drove to the city at night for some much beloved shopping..
....wine shopping! Headed back home after & put on some aromatheraphy oils, candles, slow songs & a bottle of wine, all to myself on the balcony at night.. I guess I'm just drowing myself to all these loneliness.. Lavender oil hot water bath next..
After a bottle of wine & a hot water bath.. I can feel the body is much more relaxed but emotional wise? It still sucks. Argh!
[There's all these things that I'm feeling these days.. Most of it are unexpected & I can see where all these is heading too.. Its like I'm digging my own emotional grave myself but yet, I still can't help but falling into it.. Maybe its time to be rational & stop all these thing, be cruel to myself for now for a better future perhaps? Y A E I E W, Y Y A T O P T C N B M. Y A J T G. Y A M D. A I R, D A J D. I N C T. S W A I S H F I S M? T C I K M. So close yet so far.]
Life has taken another twist on its own, giving me new challenges, plotting me through its infamous ups & downs. The future might seems bleak & dark, but I'm willing to walk down the path & see for myself, what God has for me. Willing to work hard & give everything I have to make the future as bright as possible, and most important, a future with me & you together in it. I thank the Lord every day for bringing you into my life.