Friday, February 19, 2010

Everything & nothing.

As most people know, I wasn't around much in KL for the past 3 weeks. Was spending most of my time first in Kota Kinabalu then flew back to Hong Kong for the Chinese New Year. Some people was telling me how nice it was to be on a vacation, but I actually had other meaning for this two trip & for the period when I was away in KL. Things hadn't been that smooth for some time & this two trip was more like an escape route for me & at the same time, to get my mind sorted out, more or less.

The first stop was the land of Mother Nature where I spent most of my time in the slow moving city surrounded by the beach, the ocean & the sun.
Then I flew back to the hectic land, where people was always rushing somewhere, doing something, getting myself surrounded with the grey metal buildings & a same yet different ocean.
And yet, in this city filled with millions of people cramped into this small space, I could still the loneliness, the emptiness. It is surprising on how low I could get, how utterly alone I could be when I was in the crowd.
But deep in my heart, I know there is this few person who would be there for me no matter where life leads me to in the future. The few person on earth who love me unconditionally, who taught me when I was wrong & encourage me when I fall. The few person who I call my family.
Looking at the happy couple, my brother & my sister in law who got married on September last year, I wonder if one day, I would get the chance to find me other half & spent the rest of my life with him. Sometimes, I do worry deep down that my other half wasn't out there & I'll end up alone like how we are born into the world, alone. I wonder how it feels like to be the bride, how it feels like to have your other half shower you with unconditional love & promise to spent the rest of their life with you despite poverty & death.
And at most of my trouble times, I mostly ended up either sleeping it away, or trying my best to blow everything away by yakking to my few most precious friends. God had been kind enough to me, to shower me with a family, although imperfect, but who cares for me & a few really good people who I could call them as my friends.
After all the sleeping, yakking & crying, given enough time, I could put back a smile on my face. Some things really take times to cure. They say time is one of the best medicine, especially for emotional scars. I agree. But sometimes when it is too much, or I feel really lost myself, couldn't find the answer for the million of mysteries we face in life, I close my eyes & try to feel without thinking. Some answers are never meant to be logical. Somethings just happen & its unexplainable. Like love. At the same time, I try to achieve peace with myself. Cos all the conflict I face outside is tiring enough. Conflict within oneself is an additional torture. How could you expect others accept you for who you are when you yourself is conflicting over who you are? Same goes for love. If one does not even know how to love oneself, then the one doesn't know how to love another being. Someone special to me use to tell me this in the past. How true it is.
Maybe this is life. After much disappointment, I still choose to believe in miracle & wish for it to happen. Hope is one of the element that keeps life going when you're going through the bumpy side of life.
Like fishes in the ocean, we go through the same basic life cycle. There's competition, there's birth, there's death, there's life. And I do wonder, do they feel as much as we do? Or maybe they are more simpler than we humans are? Some times I had to really agree that some of the problems we human face are problems we brought to ourself by our so-called-more-developed-brain.
Try viewing life from a different point. Nobody is the ever the reason why the earth is still spinning. The earth never revolve around a single person, never in history, never now, never in the future. Earth wouldn't be Earth if there's only a single life. When I was up there alone, I looked down & realized how tiny I'm. Literally.
At the end of this post, I would love to wish all the people out there, a Happy Chinese New Year again. Take this time of the year, to show appreciation to the people who matters. The one whom we call as our friends, our family, our other half. Do not live a life where at the brink of death, you flashes back & realize you lead a meaningless life filled with nothing but regrets & mistakes.

[This was a random post with bits of my thoughts here & there. Pictures are randomly selected from a few occasions & time written somewhere. Its confusing but its what I'm thinking at the moment.]


天氣晴朗 said...

知足常樂~~有這麼好的文章,人生足矣~~哈哈 ....................................................

Cristine said...

别开玩笑了~ 文章哪有好啊?! 嘻嘻!