Thursday, January 7, 2010

Can I just be a 3 year old kid? Again?

1st day of emoness in the Year 2010! "Hooooraaaayyyyy.........." Was having a bad night last night, was rolling around on the bed & the brains starts going deep down, revealing deep buried thoughts & memories. The gloomy sky out there when I woke up ain't helping much either. It totally kills the working spirit. So far, I managed to make it through the day, keeping the breakdowns moments to me, myself & the computer screen. Guess its hell for me today. And I'm really really exhausted, both physically & mentally.Was trying to sort through problems of my own & its really tiring. I just didn't know why had the same old shit had to happen to me over & over again. Its just so tiring, giving a heart to people, opening up, being a true friend but at the end, they just take me for granted, finds me when they need my help, or when none of their other friends are free to fit into their free slots time. Being friends for years means nothing to them. The memories I had treasured so much seems like just another normal day for them, or maybe worst then normal since its not worth remembering. I wonder how many of the thanks they told me was true from the heart? How many frank "I really am happy to know you as a friend" is a truth either?
Sometimes I just hope I can be a child again. Ignorance of every other things around, be in my own little happy world, cry when I'm sad, laugh when I'm happy & surrounded by people who find no need to act in front of you either. Back to be the innocent, simple young girl who never thinks more than eat, sleep, potty, play, all the simple little happy things! Wheeeee..... Well, they have their own questions too of course, but they are never afraid to voice it out loud. Looking around myself, everybody tends to keep dark little secrets & interprets everything themselves, judging things base on how they look, a thing I used to do myself & falling really hard to get the lesson learned that its wrong to do so. I learn from my mistakes as I grow but having the same old shit happen over & over again, same lesson learn over & over gain isn't making myself any wiser.
Besides being simple & trusting, they have the ability to be surprised by very simple little thing. And the surprises tends to be really really good. Well, even if its a bad surprises, from their point of view, it will still end up being something good. They are very optimistic younglings, having a positive view of life which is very very healthy in fact but while I grow up, I had lost the ability to constantly maintain a positive view towards life & everything happened. I had to remind myself on a daily basis of the half-cup-coffee-theory that everything has its good side too to keep me sane enough, keeping myself on track with life & never lost the meaning of life. Take everything as a lesson to be learn, a process of growing up which makes you all wiser & sober.
Their smile came from deep in the heart, unlike a lot of fake smiles adults put on their face everyday. It don't take more than a teeny weeny bit of effort to smile & they can smile all day & all night long. And they treat you with a heart so pure that you never have a single doubt with them. Well, its a hard lesson you learn while growing up that not all people have a heart so pure. Its a long process of getting to know a person, trusting them, getting hurt & then all over again until you found the right friends and the other half. I don't blame people for treating me bad if I treat them to same way too but if it really hurts when I treat them with everything I had & ended up, I'm just another chess for them.

I wonder at times, when does a person starts getting into the grey area, ended up with a messed up mind & a wicked heart? I believe the old saying that goes "every newborn baby is a piece of blank paper & its what the people & environment draw & colour of them that shape them who they are to be".
By the way, not only me is having a bad day at office. My colleague aka Eugene had his zipper broke for the first time in his life & its really inconvenient for him. Lucky him that he has a jacket to cover up bits here & there, which is better than being known as the "underwear flasher" the next day. And he sent me this FML words which he made on his own while sulking in his own bad luck. And there is more than that to make his day bad. His conversation with Sharon doesn't makes the day go any better than it will be getting either.

p/s: Am still thinking if I should or not but I have decided to put the smile on my face, whether its a real one or a fake one, and go on pretending nothing had ever happened. Maybe I'm just being stupid & foolish, holding on to friendships that really matters to me but not to them but still, I can't let go. I really can't. It had been years of memories & I remember the time they had been there for me. A little kindness from a person is enough to place themselve in my mind for a lifelong period. Despite what the reality is showing, which is a really ugly truth, I still decide to act foolish & stupid. I just can't forget them as friends with just a click like that. And I'm going to get my face laughed off if I ever fall & its because of them again. Maybe I shouldn't trust them with my heart anymore, put up a wall/barrier, but I really can't do it because once the wall is down, its down.

Btw, the pictures of the cute child above, her name is Gabby & she's 3 this year. She's one of the people that brighten up my life, offering me unlimited love, never only takes but gives unconditionally. She's my cousin sister who's currently in Hong Kong.

Remember, in life, its always about give & take. The more you give, the more you'll find yourself with one day.

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